How To Have Healthier, Happier Relationships With Women
When it comes to dating, many times we mistake the means for the end. Getting women, the thrill of the chase, running game – all this stuff is fun and important because it allows you to have relationships with women, but ultimately these things are the means not the end. The end game with women, like everything else in life can be distilled down to one thing: happiness.
If you aren’t having consistently happy relationships with women – you’re doing it wrong. Unfortunately dating doesn’t come with a handbook or at least not an effective one. I have a 40 page manual on how to work my air conditioner but when it comes to the most important relationships in my life I’ve had to go by trial and error – and I’ve made a lot of errors.
The truth is to be consistently happy you need a real world, results-based set of rules and that’s what I’ve tried to put together in this series. The rules I’ve outlined are simple, the hard part is following them consistently. When you do though, they’ll take the quality of your relationships with women to a place you didn’t know existed. A place with low drama, few obligations and more positive then negative emotions.
WHAT NOT TO DO
1) Don’t Date Emotionally Unhealthy Women
This is hands down the most important rule on the list but ironically is the rule that guys most consistently break. The majority of the problems that men have with women are because they date the wrong women. Dating emotionally healthy women should be common sense but I’m consistently shocked at the kind of women guys choose to date let alone marry.
Your relationship with your girlfriend is probably the most important relationship in your life and yet many guys choose someone who is mentally unhealthy when there are a billion dating-aged women to choose from on this planet. That’s the equivalent of buying a car that you know doesn’t work well and expecting to be happy driving it when you could have bought a perfectly functional car for the same price.
How could you possibly have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy? By choosing an unhappy person you are choosing to be in an unhappy relationship. By far the most important rule when it comes to women is screening. The start of any healthy relationship is choosing a woman who is happy, mentally stable and sweet.
2) Minimize Your Unproductive Emotions
Jealousy and neediness – these are ugly emotions that destroy your happiness and are unbecoming of any self respecting man. The reality is: if you choose to be monogamous, cheating is always a possibility and there is nothing you can do about it except reduce the probability through proper screening or not promise monogamy. If you’re in a polyamorous or casual realationship you have even less business being jealous or needy.
This is a big part of game and an area where you really have to use your discipline starting out. And that discipline extends to everything you do, even down to a text message to some random woman you met online. When you’re starting out with women you should look at every woman as a way to practice your emotional control even when it’s a situation where you’re not going to get a date.
One good rule is to never try and send a message that’s unreasonable. When you’re thinking of sending a negative message you are almost always making a mistake, 9.9 times out of 10 the best response is no response.
You always want to be the reasonable adult and never be coming from the position of the irrational, emotional child, no matter how much bullsh*t you get from the girl. It’s much better to delete her contact info then to engage her in bullsh*t. Remember that for most women attention is more valuable than sex, and for damaged women any kind of attention is good.
Not only is restraining your unproductive emotions crucial for your mental happiness but it’s crucial for keeping women attracted. Women have no attraction for weak men and if you want to keep your relationships sexually charged you need to present the image of a strong man in control of his emotions.
When you stay true to the game, the game will stay true to you. When you don’t you’re playing Russian roulette with your feelings and her attraction to you.
The way to control your emotions is not to stop feeling them but merely to acknowledge them and not give them power over you. Life is a constant battle between your primitive, reptilian brain and your rational intellect and in almost all life decisions your intellect is the one to listen to.
A good strategy to use is to try and stay mindful throughout the day and anytime you feel a negative emotion, remind yourself that this it’s not productive to your happiness.
3) Don’t Use Casual Sex As A Drug
Using casual sex to fill the void in your life is a very quick way to feel empty. Too many partners and too much ejaculation is like mainlining dopamine, ultimately you become more and more desensitized, tired, and burnt out – the end result is an accelerated coolidge effect, where even a new partner doesn’t hold your interest very long.
That’s not to mention the toll it takes on your physical energy, like I keep telling you guys, the more often you ejaculate the less energy you’ll have and the worse you’ll feel. At 23 you might be able to get away with 3 ejaculations a day but by 35 those kind of numbers will put you into what feels like a diabetic coma.
Now when you first start getting good with women there’s nothing wrong with really enjoying yourself for a year or two, because there will be a real payoff for you. But after that it becomes diminishing returns so make sure to reel it in. Also, your primary focus in life should always be your mission and pursuing too much casual sex for too long takes a tremendous amount of time and energy away from your mission.
Casual sex in moderation is a lot of fun but as a lifestyle or as a way to impress other guys it’s a recipe for unhappiness. If that’s your only way to relate to women you will not be a happy guy.
With that said there are times when casual sex, in moderation, is actually your best option – like when you’re working 12 hours a day and don’t have the energy for a relationship. Or when you’re coming out of a breakup and want to keep your emotional distance for a while.
The last thing to remember is ethics. Ideally you only pursue no strings attached fun with women who are looking for the same. When you start using casual sex as a drug however, you’re tempted to get it from women who are looking for a relationship, and ultimately end up hurting feelings and creating karmic debt, which is something you should try to avoid. Hurting people makes you less happy.
4) Don’t Be Reckless With Your Feelings
Heartbreak is not fun and neither is drama. Not only do these emotions take a toll on your happiness, they also take a toll on your bank account. Billionaire hedge fund operator George Soros is known for pulling money from his portfolio managers who are going through a divorce.
To be consistently happy in your relationships, it’s important to view your happiness as your biggest investment. And like the world of investing where the first rule is not to lose money, the first rule of relationships is don’t do things that make you unhappy and that means not approaching relationships recklessly.
Falling in love with a woman is a drug and the most powerful drug in the world. But unlike drugs where every sensible person knows the dangers, the average person shows none of the same judgement and often rushes recklessly into love with anyone who makes them feel strongly.
I think that the majority of relationships would last a lot longer if both people approached a relationship like they do every other area of their lives – with proper screening and emotional restraint. Instead they dive in head first seeing each other as much as possible and cutting off all other partners.
They eat together, sleep together, go out together, move in together – that time apart to miss each other, to be on their best behavior, to seduce each other every time they meet is gone. That option to have other romantic partners – gone. They approach love in the exact opposite way you should if you want it to last.
There is a thin line between love and hate and the less restraint you use the thinner that line becomes. It’s like hearing a new song you love, the fastest way to hate that song is to play it all the time. I love pizza but if I had to have it every day, at every meal and had to be around pizza 24/7 I would grow to hate it with a passion.
In summary you have to protect yourself and your emotions first before you can enjoy the woman you’re with. That means screening for the right kind of woman, moving forward slowly and showing restraint at least until you’re sure that this is the kind of person you want to get involved with.
5) Don’t Be Reckless With Leverage
Leverage, to borrow a financial term, is a double edged sword. When you bet right on naked options and beat the odds you get the reward of more money than you would have had without it. When you bet wrong you go bankrupt. It’s the same with leveraging your life to a woman.
By leverage I mean any bet on a future outcome that will magnify the amount of pain or pleasure you would normally feel in your daily life. Some common levers are living together, having children, sharing assets and getting married. The more leveraged you are to a woman the more dangerous your position.
Leverage in your emotional life is just as dangerous as it is in your financial life if not more so. So if you’re going to use leverage you should at least adopt the mindset of an investor and give it the same respect you would as your stock portfolio.
The first rule of investing is not to lose money. Before you agree to anything with a woman you need to understand what your downside is and if you can handle the risk. Then you need to make logical, well thought out decisions as to whether that leverage is the right move for you.
This is harder to do when you’re falling in love and your amygdala is being hijacked by the most powerful chemicals on the planet but it is absolutely necessary. Because when you’re legally married with children, joint assets, joint bank accounts and joint lifestyles you damn well better have bet right or you are f*cked.
Now before people accuse me of promoting perpetual adolescence or not having found the “right woman”, let me remind you there is a 50% divorce rate and every single one of those people was convinced they had found “the one”.
The way I see it there are only two potential forms of leverage that could potentially make your life better to be able to justify the risk taken – living together and having children. In my experience having someone to come home to is a nice feeling. And the love of a parent for their child seems to be the most powerful love that a person feel. But both of those options come with some serious downsides.
I can tell you from experience that breaking up with a live-in partner is a nightmare and I can’t begin to think what it would be like to have children only to find out you’re not cut out for fatherhood. Unfortunately you can’t test drive having children so you damn well better be right.
As for the other levers like marriage, joint assets and joint bank accounts – these make absolutely no sense to me. I can see no upside by increasing the involvement of lawyers and government in my personal life and only massive downside.
Asset loss, child support, theft, lawyer fees, wedding costs, alimony – these are all things you’re exposing yourself to with no upside. Even if your ex-wife is a good and reasonable person, when it comes to her and her children’s survival there are few women who won’t push for at least some of your money. And this happens 50% of the time.
I’m telling you this not as a bitter divorced man or as a juvenile “dating coach”. I’m telling you this as a guy who values his hard earned freedom and happiness and will do anything to protect it. It’s 100% possible to have long, happy relationships with absolutely no leverage so if you’re going to take the risk you should be as sure as you can be that it’s going to make you a lot happier.
6) Don’t Date Taken Women
This should rule be obvious but I’m not proud to admit that I’ve broken it a few times in my weaker moments. It’s easy to justify that: “she would have done it anyway” or that “marriage is an outdated institution”, both of which are true, but ultimately it’s just a sh*tty thing to do to another guy.
It’s nearly impossible to enjoy this type of relationship because there’s always a cloud of negativity hanging over your potential happiness and as time goes on it becomes more difficult to respect a woman who is constantly sneaking around and lying to her partner.
In my experience, past the first few times many women won’t even feel guilty about it. Of the taken women that I’ve been with, each time I was the one who actually ended things out of guilt. And to this day I still feel bad about f*cking up some poor guy’s life.
At the end of the day you get back what you put out.
WHAT TO DO
1) Balance Combat With Cooperation
That means use only as much game as necessary and no more. When you first start learning game it’s easy to slip into the trap of abusing your new-found superpower but that’s not the path to happiness. I can promise you that intentionally hurting women will not make you feel good about yourself in the long run.
Outside of a few cheap thrills it quickly becomes a game of constant combat and diminishing returns. Not to mention: overgaming women causes drama, jealousy and all kinds of other negative things you don’t need in your relationships.
On the other hand if you’re only looking to cooperate and the idea of combat troubles your inner nice guy than you need to accept the reality that you get the behavior you allow. And if you allow her to treat you badly she is not going to respect you and neither of you will be happy.
Refusing to accept the place of combat in a relationship is like saying you want a multimillion dollar business without having to discipline employees or ruthlessly watch the bottom line because those things make you uncomfortable.
The reality is that all relationships are a balance between combat and cooperation and the key is maintaining that balance by using only as much combat as necessary.
As a man, you set the tone for the relationship and if your tone is combative then she’s going to respond the same way and no one will be happy. Women by nature are emotional and the more games you play with her the more emotional she’ll get with you – that means more drama.
Contrary to what you read on the internet from guys with limited real world experience – you do not need to create drama to keep women. When I’m with a woman I don’t use jealousy plotlines, play text games, neg her or use any other negative tactics.
“@hole game” or “dark triad game” is not only unnecessary it’s counterproductive. Only damaged women respond well to being treated badly and you shouldn’t want anything to do with them. Teasing is one thing but f*cking with her emotions is another thing completely.
Instead you should manage your negative emotions, treat her well, f*ck her well, take an interest in her life and gently correct her when she does something you don’t like. When you do this her time with you will be the high point of her week. Just the threat, used sparingly, of removing yourself from her life is enough to keep her interest and on her toes.
Now if despite screening for an emotionally healthy woman you realize that the girl you’re with can’t accept being treated well and she gives you too much drama – you just next her. Or maybe it’s not outright drama even if she’s just consistently bringing a negative attitude to the table that’s enough.
At the end of the day negative behavior or drama means she doesn’t value the relationship enough to try to make you happy. If I see a lot of value in a relationship I will make it a top priority to keep that person happy whether it comes to dating, business or any other part of my life and I expect the same in return.
The challenge of life is hard enough without adding a difficult and demanding girl into the mix. I want things that are easy. That’s why I only date women that are easy to be with. If I want to be challenged I’d work on my business.
In summary, keeping the right balance of combat and cooperation is very easy to measure: if both of you are happy every time you see each other then you’re doing well, if you’re not then it’s your job to either reestablish the balance or end the relationship. It’s really that easy. It’s so easy I can barely remember what it was like to have a dramatic relationship.
2) Be Authentic In Your Intentions And Needs
If you just want sex, don’t lie to the poor girl and tell her you want a relationship. Not only will she feel bad but so will you. It’s very hard to feel good about yourself when you look back through your dating history and see nothing but a trail of charred wreckage.
If you plan on dating a lot of women in your life that means you’re going to have to end things with a lot of women and how you end things is as important as they start. You want to be as ethical as you can from start to finish, just like you if you were bringing on a new client to your business.
The majority of relationship drama comes from people either lying to each other or having the wrong expectations. When you’re authentic in your intentions you don’t have to worry about any of that. Instead you get to enjoy her with a clear conscience.
Now I’m not saying you have to explicitly blurt out a diatribe on non-monogamy on the first date. But if she asks you what you’re looking for or she makes a point early on of telling you that she’s only looking for a boyfriend then you should be able to state your intentions.
If a woman aggressively tells me that they want a boyfriend right off the bat I’ll tell them I’m not the guy. Not only will she respect your honesty but many times she will accept your frame and decide to date you for now while she waits for “her prince.”
If she doesn’t accept your agenda, no problem, you don’t have to waste time with a girl who is incompatible with you. Usually though, women won’t be that aggressive with their agenda up front so that they don’t scare you off. It usually plays out more gradually as you get to know each other.
For those of you guys thinking that if she’s hot you can just lie to her to get in her pants – you can. But, you need to think about the situation from the perspective of your long-term happiness. Lying and cheating won’t make you feel happy, it will make you feel guilty.
Your conscience monitors everything you do whether you like it or not, whether it’s conscious or not. When the balance of bad things outweighs the balance of good things the end result is self-hatred.
Do you think that guys who defraud their clients in business and beat their wives feel good about themselves, even if they get away with it? They don’t, most of them need drugs or alcohol just to get through the day.
If you’re young and new to dating you might feel OK or even good about scamming girls for a while because the pain you’ve experienced from women has made you dehumanize them as a whole. You think the innocent girl you just met is no different from the women who’ve hurt you in the past.
As you get successful with women you assume the identity of a guy who has power over them instead of a loser who gets played, between the two that identity feels a lot better. But as time goes on you really become that player and when you look back over what you’ve done, you won’t like it.
Instead you’ll realize you’ve just traded one negative identity, being a loser with women, for another, being a scumbag to women. When you’re authentic in your intentions you won’t have those problems. Your authenticity is your best defense against both your conscience and against her manipulations of you.
As authentic as you are in your intentions you shouldn’t expect the same from her. Most women over 24 are looking for a guy to marry her, support her financially and emotionally, escort her to parties, see her family often and a number of other things ideally for a lifetime or until she decides on a YOLO divorce.
But she’s not going tell you this up front, she will do it gradually and use shame and guilt as leverage to get the things she wants. It’s true not all women are like that but many are – shame and guilt are the persuasive tools they learned from their mothers.
When you’re authentic in your intentions it’s a different ballgame. If she tries to shame you or get angry when things don’t go her way it won’t affect you because you stated your intentions honestly and she accepted the conditions voluntarily.
By stating your intentions clearly it means every girl will have made a voluntary choice to be with you and if you don’t marry her, don’t see her family enough, don’t meet her excessive emotional needs then she only has herself to blame (although she’ll still blame you.)
For me, being authentic in my intentions includes not making a vow of lifetime monogamy based on what I feel at the moment. As a guy with a high sex drive I can’t and wouldn’t want to keep this vow and feel no guilt about it. I feel no guilt in seeing multiple women or seeing women on my schedule because this is what I need to be happy. If she doesn’t like my conditions she can find someone else.
3) Have Your Own Life
Having time for yourself is so important. For those of us born without a silver spoon in our mouths we have to work damn hard to get ahead in life and that means that we need time to unwind.For me I need at least four days and nights to myself a week. I work hard on my mission every day and many nights I just want to stay home and read a book before I pass out.
At this point in my life it’s impossible for me to have healthy relationships with women if we live together. Maybe as I get older and have a mansion in a tropical locale and less working hours it might possible but not now. Living with a woman, at least for me is the absolute fastest way to make a happy relationship unhappy.
There are two major problems I have with living with women, lack of personal space and codependency. Most women want much more togetherness than I’m capable of. In the past this had a massive effect on my baseline level of happiness and left me in a state of constant aggravation.
For the entire time I lived with my girlfriend I never felt like I could fully recharge my batteries. It got to the point where I was thrilled when she went out with her friends so I could have some time alone. It’s very important for you to know exactly how much space you need and act accordingly. Even if you live with your woman you need to maintain separate lives. A codependent relationship is the quickest way of ruining the spark of attraction between you and her.
As a man on a mission you’ll grow to resent any woman who is constantly trying to pull you away from your purpose, especially to sit on the couch and watch some dumbass movie together. If you’re considering a serious relationship with a woman this is an area where you need to screen very hard for someone who is independent.
You need to know how much energy you can invest and still maintain a happy relationship, because it does take effort. Any more than two nights a week and I feel I’m taking too much time away from my mission or from recharging my batteries.
When I was younger and less focused on work I could do about four nights a week, the key is knowing what you’re capable of. Ideally though, you want to give yourself enough time to miss each other and keep things fresh and exciting.
I’ve had polyamorous relationships that have lasted years where we had great sex and a lot of fun because I restricted seeing the girl to once a week. This might sound a bit cruel but it really does benefit both of you because it stretches out the honeymoon phase.
It’s very hard to get frustrated with someone you only see for a few hours a week. You don’t have to be that restrictive but you do need to lead separate lives.
4) Choose The Right Relationship For You
There are three types of relationships: casual, polyamorous and monogamous and no matter what the so-called experts tell you, no one type of relationship is healthier than the other. Despite the fact that 50% of monogamous relationships end in heart wrenching and soul crushing divorce; the media, the church and the average armchair psychologist will tell you that anything besides monogamy is either juvenile, sinful or emotionally destructive.
In most cases the opposite is true. I’ve never heard of anyone killing themselves because their f*ckbuddy stopped returning their texts but you could fill a football field with the suicides of guys whose wife left them. Monogamy is not always the best option and this is especially true if you’re a high sex drive, strong-willed guy. I see this with a lot of players who get tired of playing the field and decide to do the “mature” thing and settle down with a “good” girl only to end up cheating on her two years into the relationship – myself included.
Here’s how they break down:
1) Casual Sex
Has the lowest downside of all relationships
Casual sex in moderation is great for young guys going wild, guys with low affection needs, guys with little free time or guys just getting out of a relationship
You also have the option of blending casual sex with polyamory and getting your affection needs met from one girl and your sexual needs from others
Quickly becomes an empty lifestyle
Society doesn’t approve
Not having to sacrifice your sexual freedom
Able to bond as strongly as with monogamy
Less emotional pain on breakup because your needs are consistently being met by other women
This is by far my favorite option because my freedom is such a high priority for me and I have almost no jealousy
You have to accept that she’ll be with other men or women
Not approved by society
You will lose good women, eventually she will give you an ultimatum to either upgrade or lose her
Lets you keep good women (who will eventually leave polyamorous relationships)
The best kind of relationship for raising children
Approved by society
Ability to feel strong love and pair bonding
You don’t have to share her with other guys (at least in theory)
Lack of sexual freedom
Tendency towards codependency
Expectations of restricted physical freedom (being home for dinner, visiting her parents)
Expectations of marriage and joint asset sharing – dangerous financial agreements
At the end of the day I can’t make the decision for you and what’s good for me might not be good for you. Also what’s good for you now might not be what’s good for you 10 years from now.
The key is that you have to make logical decisions about this stuff which is not always easy, especially once you get feelings for a girl. If you’re not capable of monogamy, and have cheated in all your relationships then don’t promise it. If sexual freedom isn’t a priority and you’re a jealous guy then monogamy might be your best option.
The important things to consider are how much time and energy you have for women, how important having multiple women is to you, how emotionally durable you are right now and how long you plan on living in one place at a time.
5) Accept Her For Who She Is
This means you need to see and accept women for what they really are, not for what you want them to be. The truth is that your sweet little flower who is “not like the rest” has dated guys before you.
On the other hand, despite what some guys will tell you, some women have almost no interest in aggressive sex and prefer a sensual, loving, pairbonding experience. Either way the point is to see the woman you’re dealing with as opposed to what you’re projecting in your mind or what you read on the internet.
Most guys who get into the dating community start off believing women are virginal Madonnas like mom taught them. But once they see the other side they start to think that every girl is stepping out on her boyfriend into a dark alley to hook up with a dating coach because he said the right opinion opener.
The truth is some women never cheat and some women cheat consistently. At the end of the day that has more to do with her then it does with you. Thinking that if your game is good enough then that promiscuous girl won’t cheat is dead wrong. That’s why screening is so important, especially for monogamy.
You can change some of her behaviors and how she relates to you in a relationship but you are not going to be able to change her core being, changing yourself is hard enough let alone someone else. Your only choice is to either accept her for the person she is or a find a woman who gives you what you want.
6) Understand The Nature Of Relationships
Nothing lasts forever and all relationships are transactional, temporary and conditional.
Read that sentence again until it sinks in. This idea of “the one” sent to you by the universe is nothing more than post-modern media propaganda. Our culture has chosen to deify relationships and celebrities because we no longer have a religion that we’re allowed to believe in.
Laboring under this delusion of a dream relationship will only hurt you in the long run. The romance p*rn that Hollywood produces is more damaging than the actual p*ron. The average person is chasing a dream relationship that doesn’t, has not and will never exist.
It’s no coincidence that people who post inspirational quotes on Facebook and tell you to follow your dreams are not successful in the real world, because they don’t live in the real world. They live in their dreams and that’s the only place they’re successful.
The perfect girl sent to you by the universe. Your one and only who’s going to take your pain away, who’s going to give you that pure love, that consistent happiness and maybe even a beautiful happy family. That girl does not exist.
You’re just playing around with promiscuous girls for now you tell yourself. But eventually you’ll get serious and settle down and be a responsible, monogamous member of the community. I don’t care how much of a jaded player you are, that dream is still there.
In the real world though, after the honeymoon and the happily ever after and the two beautiful kids you will settle into a low-sex, comfortable partnership and start thinking about other women. In fact the thought of f*cking other women never goes away. And the longer you can’t have other women the more you think about them.
Many times once the euphoria of pairbonding wears off you start to see flaws in your perfect angel and vice versa. You start fighting. You were expecting things to be different. You must have been tricked – she’s not the one for you, in fact the woman is no good at all you tell yourself.
But you don’t give up on the dream, no matter how many times you come face to face with reality, you give up on your partner. You find faults, breakup and try it again with someone else. Some otherwise successful guys get married four or five times because they give up on the person but not the dream, they carry this dream with them through their whole life – “I guess I’m just a romantic at heart they say.”
Now that’s not to say there aren’t people happy in long-term relationships. Some non-dramatic, calm, naturally happy people have, long sometimes even happy lifetime marriages. But it’s not like it is in the movies. That ecstatic love and energy of a new relationship lasts three to seven months tops.
Happily married couples are naturally happy, self – sacrificing people who accept marriage for what it is: a low-sex, comfortable partnership based for the purpose of raising a family. They accept that honeymoon’s don’t last forever and restrain their instincts to f*ck other people out of either guilt or not being able to attract anyone they want.
The truth is that a lifetime marriage is not what you think it is. For the 50% of couples that stay together the consistently happy ones are a rare breed. In many cases when people stay together for a long period of time it’s not about happiness – it’s about avoiding pain. Avoiding dying alone, disappointing their families, hurting their children, poverty, social stigma or any number of things.
You are a human animal and our happiness is not nature’s primary concern. Instead nature has designed you for the purpose of survival and replication. That means getting as many decent looking young women pregnant as possible and pair bonding with the more attractive few over a period of one to three years for the purpose of raising children.
Nature knows nothing about lifetime marriages or monogamy – that is a human idea designed for the business of creating a productive family and sustaining the species. That’s why humans had to design laws and vows and punishments to keep people together. Some societies take this to the extreme and stone cheaters to death…but guess what?
People still f*cking cheat!!
The truth is that there is no perfect relationship or perfect person that is going to make you happy every day, you have to do that yourself. Once the honeymoon is over you’ll revert back to your natural instincts of wanting to f*ck every hot girl you see. This is your biology.
That might sound rough but at first but the good news is, in 2016 you are living in the absolute best time for dating women in history. You don’t have to get married to have sex and there are more single women available than ever before. From day game, to social circle to online your options are unlimited. From casual sex to polyamory to monogamy you have more relationship choices than ever before. And when it’s not making you happy any more it’s over, it’s so simple.
When you accept reality you will be able to enjoy the relationships that you have for what they are, right now instead of waiting for things to change. When you manage your expectations you stop being disappointed or yearning for something that doesn’t exist. Instead you live in the moment and enjoy what you have.
7) Take Complete Ownership Of Your Relationships
You are the leader in your relationships and that means everything that happens in your relationship is your fault – good or bad. If you got raped in your divorce it’s your fault for putting yourself in that situation. If your girlfriend cheated on you it’s your fault for choosing the wrong girl or for choosing monogamy itself. If your girlfriend emasculates you in public it’s your fault for not having handled that behavior a long time ago.
Most people don’t take ownership, instead they blame the woman and paint themselves as victims. This is very easy to do because in many cases you might have been the victim. If you got taken to the cleaners in your divorce, I feel for you, but the reality is you put yourself in that position knowing the risks.
The truth is what happened doesn’t matter, it’s how you handle it that does. I never accept the role of victim, because by being a victim you accept your powerlessness over a situation. I only accept the role of victor.
When you take ownership you take control, and when you take control you don’t you don’t allow yourself to be a victim of circumstances. When you take control you recognize that there is always a choice.
Even if you don’t like the choice you always have the power to choose – victims are doomed to repeat their mistakes because they don’t accept ownership. When you take control you learn from your mistakes and you don’t repeat them in your next relationships.
When I let myself get friendzoned that was my fault. When I let myself get sold on a bait and switch that was my fault. Instead of getting hung up on that sh*t I just charged it to the game, learned from my mistakes and made sure not to repeat them. The result – easy, happy relationships.
Nowadays I know from 30 seconds of talking to a girl if she is my type and my standards for behavior are so clear it makes for a completely non-dramatic lifestyle. I haven’t had an ounce of anything more than minor girl drama in the last two years despite dating multiple women. All of that comes from taking ownership of past mistakes and adjusting accordingly.
8) Understand And Indulge Your Emotional Needs
Every guy is painfully aware of his sexual needs but most of us aren’t aware of our intimacy needs. Intimacy is as important as sex and respecting your emotional needs does not make you weak, it makes you an integrated, mature human being.
Do you know how often you need to cuddle and bond with a woman to feel happy? I like to be able to cuddle with a woman once a week but for some of you guys it might be more often. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a woman’s affection in your life.
Too often though we pick the wrong guys to model in relationships. James Bond might be a great guy to model on style and charm but as a whole he’s a broken, anhedonic, alcoholic whose job is the only thing keeping him from suicide. Trying to imitate him in relationships with women is a really good way to be miserable.
Remember the end game is to be as consistently happy as possible. And for normal human beings that involves a certain amount of emotional and physical intimacy. For guys like me it’s only a few hours a week but for you it might be longer, especially if you’re going through a difficult time.
Cuddling and being sweet with a girl is great and natural and one of life’s beautiful things so don’t hesitate to make sure you’re getting your needs met. This doesn’t make you weak – just as long as you’re not the little spoon. Behind closed doors every guy has sweet, tender moments with a girl he cares about no matter what he tells you.
9) Apologize When You’re Wrong And Accept Her Apologies
This is the hardest one for me because I have a lot of pride and hate apologizing. That’s why I make a point of not doing things I have to apologize for. These days I usually dissolved the situation in a reasonable way before I lose my temper but in the past I’ve been guilty of getting angry or sending a nasty message.
A good way to avoid doing something you’ll later regret is to try and take a deep breath and ask yourself if you’re in the wrong. This goes for any nasty text message or email you’re going to send. I’m telling you, nothing can be gained from losing your cool. On the rare occasion you need to be harsh with her you do it under control.
In almost all cases, whether business or personal you want to be the adult and act like the reasonable man – even when she legitimately deserves a nasty message, it’s bad form when it comes to your game, a true player is always in control of his emotions.
The way to apologize is quickly and firmly: “I’m sorry, I was wrong to treat you like that”. That’s usually enough, most women forgive very easily when your apology is sincere and they care about you. If you’re like me and you hate having to apologize then just make sure you don’t do things you need to apologize for. I haven’t needed to apologize for anything I’ve done in the last year.
The reason why an apology is important when you do something wrong is simple, it makes both of you happier. You stop feeling guilty and she stops feeling angry.
The same goes for accepting her apologies. When she does minor things you don’t like, you correct her and she apologizes – everything’s good. No girl is going to be perfect 100% of the time and there is no point getting upset over minor things.
I think it’s important to apologize even years later when the relationship is long over. It all comes down to trying to live by your ethical code. And having an ethical code is a crucial part of being consistently happy.
One thing to remember here though is that she doesn’t owe you forgiveness. If she doesn’t respond to your apology, writing her a nasty email about how she owes you the courtesy of a response is missing the point. And if your relationship is long over, she won’t respond or forgive you, women are only forgiving when they love you. When they don’t they’re spiteful and proud – women naturally assume the victim role and rarely take ownership.
One thing to note about apologizing is that it’s a good barometer of the health of your relationship. If you can apologize easily, freely and without resentment then you’re in a healthy relationship. If you can’t – you’re in a toxic relationship.
If you’re been living with a woman for the last decade 24/7 and have a long history of arguments, a real apology is going be almost impossible for you. In a toxic relationship not only are you going to be doing things you regret often but you’re not even going to want to apologize because there will be so much low-level bitterness between you and your woman.
One reason it’s so easy for me not to do things I regret now is because I screen properly and limit my time with women. When you’ve screened for happy, stable girls that you see 1 to 3 times a week it’s very easy to avoid getting upset. And if you do it’s easy to apologize.
Like I said before this sh*t is easy, a good relationship is happy, natural and not hard work.
10) Liberate Yourself From Your Mother
Your relationship with your mother is the benchmark of all your future relationships. How you were treated as a kid and how you related to your mother is how you’ll relate to all the women in your life.
If your mother abused you then you might find yourself seeking out women who treat you badly or inversely seeking out women to abuse as revenge. If your mother was a damaged, borderline nutcase then you might find yourself trying to save damaged, borderline nutcases.
The way you were treated as a child is your imprint for love in all future relationships. In part 1 of this series, when I tell you to avoid girls who like “dark triad” or “@hole” game, this is because these girls are literally looking for the same abusive relationship they had as a child. And that means you have to become an abuser to win her love because she feels so worthless she literally cannot accept a guy treating her well.
Unfortunately many people come from unhappy childhoods and spend their lives subconsciously seeking out the same treatment because they’re running on bad programming. Consciously seeking happiness is a radical thing to do.
To liberate yourself from your mother and your poor programming the first thing you need to do is understand how you were programmed.
What kind of person was your mother?
What was expected of you?
What were you trained to feel guilty about?
What were you praised for?
For those of you who came from abusive childhoods like I did this won’t be easy and I would venture to bet that that’s most of you reading this right now. Most people who are coming from a happy place don’t seek out hardcore self-improvement sites like mine because they’re already happy in their lives.
For those of you guys who came from happy childhoods and happy relationships with your mom then you won’t have much work to do. But if your childhood was rough and your relationship with your mom isn’t good then you’ve got a lot of reprogramming to do.
The first step is to recognize the patterns that are hurting you, some examples are:
All your sexual thoughts are dirty and sinful
Good boys put their women on a pedestal and cater to their every whim
It’s ok to accept verbal and maybe even physical abuse from the women in your lives
Guilt is an acceptable tool for manipulating you to do things you don’t want to do
Her neediness is an acceptable reason for sacrificing your happiness
You’re inherently unworthy of an attractive woman and will only be able to keep her love by buying it
Passive aggressive behavior is acceptable behavior for a grown man
Drama is exciting because it validates your power over her emotions and shows that she cares enough to get upset (you know who I’m talking to here)
I could go on forever with these patterns but you get the idea. At the end of the day you’ll be able to recognize a toxic pattern by the fact that it makes you unhappy. This is by far the most difficult section to put into practice but freeing yourself from your mother’s expectations is so important.
If you can’t liberate yourself from your mother you’ll never be able to have relationships with women on your terms. The good thing is your brain is plastic and it can reprogram itself with the right, healthy information. This can be done, I’ve done it and so can you. When you do you get to enjoy happy relationships on your own terms.
11) Have Mercy On The Good Ones
When you meet that sweet, innocent woman who blushes and looks at her shoes when she talks to you – don’t be the first guy to break her heart. There are plenty of women who have a lot of experience but there are also some incredibly, naïve, sheltered and guileless women.
When you meet a woman like this, whose only experience with men is her celebrity crush – have mercy. The only time you should pursue one of these girls is if you think she has girlfriend potential.
I can tell in 30 seconds if the girl I’m talking to will have girlfriend potential or not and at least 70% of that is based on my attraction levels. If you’re dealing with a true sweethear who is just kind of cute, it’s not right to f*ck her a few times and move on to the next one.
Now it’s true that if she enters into the relationship voluntarily and you don’t promise her anything you’re not technically in the wrong. And it’s true that her expectations of immediate monogamy and a boyfriend who loves her forever are unrealistic – but that doesn’t mean you won’t feel bad about hurting someone so innocent.
Save your game for girls who can play on your level or if you know you would consider being serious with her. This also extends to not cheating, if you can’t keep it in your pants then monogamy is not for you. I’ve cheated a few times and it doesn’t feel good.
If you’ve screened for a nice, sweet girl for a girlfriend, as you should have, she doesn’t deserve to be cheated on.
12) Enjoy Her
This is what it’s all about, enjoying her company. All the other points in this series are just to get you to this place where you can be consistently happy every time you see each other.
Once you’ve protected your downside, put the odds in your favor and have the right relationship for you then enjoying her is easy. People say a marriage is hard work, but I’m betting the people who say that have to work hard because they are in a relationship they don’t want to be in, are doing things they don’t want to do, and are no frequently enjoying their partner.
When you do what you want, when you want and see who you want, it’s easy. My best memories of the last fifteen years are almost all with women. From staying in bed all day having sex and eating ice cream to motorbike tours through the mountains of Thailand, I live for those moments – enjoyment is what it’s all about.
This means if you find a girl you like and you’ve followed the rules, don’t be afraid to enjoy yourself. Take her to the movies or dinner or spend all day in bed cuddling. Have slow sex for hours, tickle her when she tells you not too, feed her ice cream while she wraps herself up in you on the couch. This is what it’s all about.
Some of you guys would be shocked at how sweet and affectionate I am with girls. In the real world this doesn’t make you weak. You are not going to lose her by being sweet, in fact it’s just the opposite. When you combine affection with your natural confidence, leadership and masculinity you become her perfect man.
One thing that makes it really easy to enjoy women, and it’s so simple, is to only see your women when you’re feeling good. If I’m in a bad mood I know I need to stay home and recharge my batteries as opposed to taking some girl out for dinner. Instead I see girls when I’m in a good, high energy mood – then everyone’s happy. Obligation is the enemy of enjoyment.
You’ll know when you’re in a good relationship because the bulk of your time is spent enjoying each other naturally, with very little effort.