How To Have Healthy Relationships With Women Part 1
In life, it’s often easy to mistake the means for the end. In fact, many guys spend their whole life chasing money or power or women only to find out that having these things, in and of themselves, doesn’t make you happy. That’s because the good things in life: money, women, friendships – are the means to happiness, not the end.
To the rational man, the end game of life is simple: to be as consistently happy as humanly possible. If the good things in life aren’t making you happy then it means you need to change your approach.
Too often in the men’s self-improvement community however, we get caught up in the means as opposed to the end. Too often I see articles about how to be alpha and how to develop dark triad traits and how to joylessly pump and dump women instead of articles about what every guy really wants to know: how to be happy. That’s because the writers themselves aren’t happy.
It occurred to me that some of you guys that read my articles on dating might think I promote this kind of anhedonic lifestyle when in fact the opposite is true, I want you to be as happy and fulfilled as possible. I look at chasing girls as a fun bonus to an already full life with the right priorities and the right goals. Endleessly chasing girls you have no emotional connection to is a very good way to feel unhappy.
I just want to make sure that you’re using the material on here and in my books to add value to your life instead of falling into the trap of empty hedonism like many other players, myself included at one point in my life.
The truth is, as a businessman, I write articles and books based on what sells and in areas where I have expertise. And by far, the vast majority of you want to read about how to get women into bed and how to fuck them properly once you’ve got them there. I’m more than happy to oblige and I love that you guys are buying my books but that’s just a small piece of a much bigger picture.
Knowing how to get laid and how to put it down in the bedroom are fun and necessary skills but there is a lot more to having happy, fulfilling relationships then knowing how to make a girl squirt. And at the end of the day, whether you realize it or not, that’s what you really want.
The truth is most guys don’t get into self-help because they’re happy, they get into self-help because they’re unhappy with their lives. I know I wasn’t happy when I started my self-improvement journey, in fact I was downright depressed. But after a long road I’m consistently happier now than I’ve ever been.
Unfortunately though, many guys don’t make that full transition to positivity and even worse some of them promote their negative views online to impressionable young men.
I want every one of you guys to be as happy as possible and as I covered in my red pill survival guide, many times that starts with being able to work through trauma. If you’ve been hurt by women, like most of us have, taking your pain and doling it out en masse to girls who don’t deserve it won’t make you happier, in fact it will make you feel worse. I’ve been there too and it’s not the way.
My Experience With Pain
I’ve been dealt some hard blows by the women in my life starting with my mom who alternately loved me and abused me emotionally. Like many single mothers she was emotionally unstable.
One day she would buy me a toy and the next day she would be screaming at me about what a worthless little shit I was because I forgot to turn the light off in the garbage room of our apartment building. For those of you guys who suffered through abuse, I’ve been there too.
My First Love
In high school I was in love with one of my friends. You already know how this story goes. she would flirt with me, confide in me, use me as a shoulder to cry on – and I would indulge her. She knew I liked her and would hint that one day she would date me but it never happened. For years I waited for that day.
To this day I’ve never liked a girl as much as her and my experience with her is still the most heartbreak I’ve ever felt. At 33 I wouldn’t put myself in that position for even a minute but at 15 with my fragile, naive psyche, I just didn’t know any better. For those of you guys who’ve been played by a girl you love who didn’t love you back, I’ve been there too.
My Live-In Girlfriend
In my 20’s, despite my better judgement I moved in with a girl who I wasn’t 100% compatible with because I believed what she told me. I know myself and I outlined the conditions I needed to feel happy and the things I wouldn’t do. I questioned her for days to make sure she could accept them. She agreed to them all wholeheartedly only to break every condition within the first week.
Within not even a year of living together she went from not wanting children and not needing to get married to wanting kids, wanting to get married soon and demanding I spend more time with her family – all things we agreed I would never do.
When I reminded her what we agreed on she defended her position with how she felt, I couldn’t believe it, it was a classic bait and switch executed as shamelessly as anything I’d ever seen. Despite being a seasoned player going into the relationship – I got played.
I anticipated the problems we’d have and assumed that by getting her agreement to my conditions in advance that they could be avoided – this was an expensive mistake.
I ended up investing two years of time, money, territory and emotional energy into a relationship that was doomed to fail. Once I realized what had happened I ended things and it wasn’t fun. For those of you guys who’ve been through a rough breakup, I’ve been there too.
How To Process Your Pain
The first step in being able to build healthy relationships with women is to learn how to process your pain. I know what it’s like to be hurt by women and I know that for many of you guys it’s easy to feel that what happened to you is unfair and unjust.
That’s because what happened to you probably was unfair and unjust because life is unfair and unjust. But taking that pain out on women who don’t deserve it won’t make you feel any better, in fact it will make you feel worse.
All too often it’s the recovering nice guys that become the biggest assholes. Their pain causes them to lose sight of their objectivity and they start to judge all women as whores or liars or manipulators. The truth is that some women are terrible people and some women are amazing. The only thing you can say about all women is that like all men, they always act in their own self-interest.
When recovering nice guys start learning game they all too often get hung up on emotional combat and in the process make both themselves and their women unhappy. It’s important to move beyond the bullshit mainstream dating advice but many times red pill dating advice is just as bad.
There are far too many red pill sites run by guys doing their best imitation of an alpha male and advocating a narcissistic, Machiavellian approach to dating that is a surefire recipe for anhedonia. The truth is that neither mainstream nor most red pill advice covers the full picture.
To understand the full picture and start to build happy relationships with women you need to do two things:
1) Take Stock Of Your Relationship History
See if you’re holding on to any experiences that are sabotaging your happiness. I’m not saying you have to forgive the girls who hurt you, but you have to make sure you’re not carrying that hurt over onto good women who want to treat you well.
2) Develop A Solid Set Of Real-World Rules
It only makes sense to have a rulebook for building happy relationships just like you would in any other area of life that you’re trying to succeed in. I’m going to give you mine but you can add anything you think is useful to the list.
The first set of rules you need to learn is what not to do:
HOW TO HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
1) Don’t Date Emotionally Unhealthy Women
This is hands down the most important rule on the list but ironically is the rule that guys most consistently break. The majority of the problems that men have with women are because they date the wrong women. Dating emotionally healthy women should be common sense but I’m consistently shocked at the kind of women guys choose to date let alone marry.
Your relationship with your girlfriend is probably the most important relationship in your life and yet many guys choose someone who is mentally unhealthy when there are a billion dating-aged women to choose from on this planet. That’s the equivalent of buying a car that you know doesn’t work well and expecting to be happy driving it when you could have bought a perfectly functional car for the same price.
How could you possibly have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy? By choosing an unhappy person you are choosing to be in an unhappy relationship. By far the most important rule when it comes to women is screening. The start of any healthy relationship is choosing a woman who is happy, mentally stable and sweet.
2) Don’t Indulge Your Unproductive Emotions
Jealousy, possesiveness, neediness – these are ugly emotions that destroy your happiness and are unbecoming of any self respecting man. The reality is: if you choose to be monogamous, cheating is always a possibility and there is nothing you can do about it except reduce the probability through proper screening or not promise monogamy.
If you’re in a polyamorous or casual realationship you have even less business being jealous or needy. Ironically the tighter you try and hold on to her the farther she’s going to move away from you.
This is a big part of game and an area where you really have to use your discipline starting out. And that discipline extends to everything you do, even down to a text message to some random girl you met online. When you’re starting out with women you should look at every girl as a way to practice your emotional control even when it’s a situation where you’re not going to get laid.
One good rule is to never try and send a message that’s unreasonable. When you’re thinking of sending a negative message you are almost always making a mistake, 9.9 times out of 10 the best response is no response.
You always want to be the reasonable adult and never be coming from the position of the irrational, emotional child, no matter how much bullshit you get from the girl. It’s much better to delete her contact info then to engage her in bullshit. Remember that for most women attention is more valuable than sex, and for damaged women any kind of attention is good.
Not only is restraining your unproductive emotions crucial for your mental happiness but it’s crucial for keeping women attracted. Women have no attraction for weak men and if you want to keep your relationships sexually charged you need to present the image of a strong man in control of his emotions.
When you stay true to the game, the game will stay true to you. When you don’t you’re playing Russian roulette with your feelings and her attraction to you.
The way to control your emotions is not to stop feeling them but merely to acknowledge them and not give them power over you. Life is a constant battle between your primitive, reptilian brain and your rational intellect and in almost all life decisions your intellect is the one to listen to.
A good strategy to use is to try and stay mindful throughout the day and anytime you feel a negative emotion, remind yourself that this it’s not productive to your happiness.
3) Don’t Use Casual Sex As A Drug
Using casual sex to fill the void in your life is a very quick way to feel empty. The initial thrill of your first few seductions can easily turn into one long string of anonymous holes to joylessly ejaculate into if you let it.
That’s not to mention the toll it takes on your physical energy, like I keep telling you guys, the more often you ejaculate the less energy you’ll have and the worse you’ll feel. At 23 you might be able to get away with shooting three loads a day into your girlfriend’s orifices but by 33 those kind of numbers will put you into a diabetic coma.
Now when you first start getting good with women there’s nothing wrong with going crazy for a few months and enjoying your new superpower. But make sure to reel it in after that. It’s not the casual sex that’s a problem, it’s the pursuit of it as an addiction.
It’s when those months become years is when it really starts to take a toll. There is a point where the thrill wears off and you hit diminishing returns. This is an even worse position if you’re not fucking women for enjoyment but because you’re trying to become a “PUA” to impress some nerds on the internet.
Casual sex in moderation is a lot of fun but as a lifestyle or as a way to impress other guys it’s a recipe for unhappiness. If that’s your only way to relate to women you will not be a happy guy.
With that said there are times when casual sex, in moderation, is actually your best option – like when you’re working 12 hours a day and don’t have the energy for a relationship. Or when you’re coming out of a breakup and want to keep your emotional distance for a while.
My first month in Thailand I got drunk at least four nights a week, tagged 12 girls and generally had the time of my life. I treated my first few weeks as a long overdue vacation and had a great time. But once that got old I quickly settled back into my natural workaholic state and cut down my harem down to a few girls that I see when I’m in the mood for company.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex just as long as you’re being authentic in your intentions and indulging in moderation.
4) Don’t Be Reckless With Your Feelings
Heartbreak is not fun and neither is drama. Not only do these emotions take a toll on your happiness, they also take a toll on your bank account. Billionaire hedge fund operator George Soros is known for pulling money from his portfolio managers who are going through a divorce.
To be consistently happy in your relationships, it’s important to view your happiness as your biggest investment. And like the world of investing where the first rule is not to lose money, the first rule of relationships is don’t do things that make you unhappy and that means not approaching relationships recklessly.
Falling in love with a woman is a drug and the most powerful drug in the world. But unlike drugs where every sensible person knows the dangers, the average person shows none of the same judgement and often rushes recklessly into love with anyone who makes them feel strongly.
I think that the majority of relationships would last a lot longer if both people approached a relationship like they do every other area of their lives – with proper screening and emotional restraint. Instead they dive in head first seeing each other as much as possible and cutting off all other partners.
They eat together, sleep together, go out together, move in together – that time apart to miss each other, to be on their best behavior, to seduce each other every time they meet is gone. That option to have other romantic partners – gone. They approach love in the exact opposite way you should if you want it to last.
There is a thin line between love and hate and the less restraint you use the thinner that line becomes. It’s like hearing a new song you love, the fastest way to hate that song is to play it all the time. I love pizza but if I had to have it every day, at every meal and had to be around pizza 24/7 I would grow to hate it with a passion.
In summary you have to protect yourself and your emotions first before you can enjoy the woman you’re with. That means screening for the right kind of woman, moving forward slowly and showing restraint at least until you’re sure that this is the kind of person you want to get involved with.
5) Don’t Be Reckless With Leverage
Leverage, to borrow another financial term, is a double edged sword. When you bet right on naked options and beat the odds you get the reward of more money than you would have had without it. When you bet wrong you go bankrupt. It’s the same with leveraging your life to a woman.
By leverage I mean any bet on a future outcome that will magnify the amount of pain or pleasure you would normally feel in your daily life. Some common levers are living together, having children, sharing assets and getting married. The more leveraged you are to a woman the more dangerous your position.
Leverage in your emotional life is just as dangerous as it is in your financial life if not more so. So if you’re going to use leverage you should at least adopt the mindset of an investor and give it the same respect you would as your stock portfolio.
The first rule of investing is not to lose money. Before you agree to anything with a woman you need to understand what your downside is and if you can handle the risk. Then you need to make logical, well thought out decisions as to whether that leverage is the right move for you.
This is harder to do when you’re falling in love and your amygdala is being hijacked by the most powerful chemicals on the planet but it is absolutely necessary. Because when you’re legally married with children, joint assets, joint bank accounts and joint lifestyles you damn well better have bet right or you are fucked.
Now before people accuse me of promoting perpetual adolescence or not having found the “right girl”, let me remind you there is a 50% divorce rate and every single one of those people was convinced they had found “the one”.
The way I see it there are only two potential forms of leverage that could potentially make your life better to be able to justify the risk taken – living together and having children. In my experience having someone to come home to is a nice feeling. And the love of a parent for their child seems to be the most powerful love that a person feel. But both of those options come with some serious downsides.
I can tell you from experience that breaking up with a live-in partner is a nightmare and I can’t begin to think what it would be like to have children only to find out you’re not cut out for fatherhood. Unfortunately you can’t test drive having children so you damn well better be right.
As for the other levers like marriage, joint assets and joint bank accounts – these make absolutely no sense to me. I can see no upside by increasing the involvement of lawyers and government in my personal life and only massive downside.
Asset loss, child support, theft, lawyer fees, wedding costs, alimony – these are all things you’re exposing yourself to with no upside. Even if your ex-wife is a good and reasonable person, when it comes to her and her children’s survival there are few women who won’t push for at least some of your money. And this happens 50% of the time.
I’m telling you this not as a bitter divorced man or as a juvenile “dating coach”. I’m telling you this as a guy who values his hard earned freedom and happiness and will do anything to protect it. It gives me chills to imagine being chained to a job I hate and suffering through another brutal Toronto winter to provide for a family I can’t afford and a wife I’m not compatible with.
My path might not be your path but at the end of the day any time you think of increasing your leverage with a woman you have make sure that you’ve analyzed the situation with a clear head and know the risks involved.
It’s 100% possible to have long, happy relationships with absolutely no leverage so if you’re going to take the risk you should be as sure as you can be that it’s going to make you a lot happier.
6) Don’t Date Taken Women
This should rule be obvious but I’m not proud to admit that I’ve broken it a few times in my weaker moments. It’s easy to justify that: “she would have done it anyway” or that “marriage is an outdated institution”, both of which are true, but ultimately it’s just a shitty thing to do to another guy.
It’s nearly impossible to enjoy this type of relationship because there’s always a cloud of negativity hanging over your potential happiness and as time goes on it becomes more difficult to respect a woman who is constantly sneaking around and lying to her partner.
In my experience, past the first few times she won’t even feel guilty about it. Of the taken women that I’ve been with, each time I was the one who actually ended things out of guilt. And to this day I still feel bad about fucking up some poor guy’s life. Despite some of the crazy shit I post on this site I’m still a boy scout at heart in many ways.
At the end of the day you get back what you put out. Too often in the red pill community we promote a moral-neutral stance to impressionable young men when in reality your happiness depends on not being a scumbag. At the end of the day, the more dirty, scumbag shit you do the worse you feel about yourself and the harder it is to be happy.
At least 50% of happiness with women is knowing what not to do. Once you know what not to do you’ll notice that being happy with your woman is the easiest, most natural thing in the world. The last dramatic episode I had with a woman is close to three years ago.
If you’re used to dramatic, painful relationships you’re going to be shocked at how easy and natural a relationship is once you stop making these mistakes.
Now that you know what things not to do, its just as simple as not doing them in the future. As opposed to going to the gym three times a week for the next five years to get results, at least half of your emotional success with women is going to come from doing nothing.
For the things that you need to do to have healthy emotional relationships, check out part 2 of this series.
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