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How To Handle Your Insecurities

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An insecurity is a problem you have with yourself. And that problem with yourself makes you unhappy.

To handle that problem you have four options:

Denial, Self Hatred, Acceptance and the Solution.

How To Handle Your Insecurities

1) Denial

Resistance is what happens when you argue with reality. It’s denying that you have a problem, and getting angry at people who point out your problem. Or even worse, blaming someone else for something you did to yourself.

Example:

If you’re overweight and refuse to admit it, and get angry at other people for trying to point out your problem – you’re in denial. Denial is the worst way to deal with your insecurities.

2) Self-Hatred

Self hatred or self pity is another bad way to respond to a problem, but as opposed to resistance, at least you recognize there is a problem.

Example:

Self hatred is what happen if you’re overweight and you hate yourself for it. Your self talk is a constant barrage of: “I’m fat and I’m fat because I’m lazy and weak, and that makes me garbage”. Self hatred is a terrible way to deal with your insecurities.

3) Acceptance

Acceptance is a better response than resistance or self hatred, especially in terms of problems that are outside of your control, things like your height for example.

When I started high school I was 5’2, I wanted to be 6’4, but I never made it past 5’10. By the end of high school I’d accepted that this was how things are, but I was happy that at least I wasn’t 5’2 anymore.

Example:

You’re overweight, but being overweight is not a big deal to you and you accept and love yourself despite carrying a few extra pounds. Acceptance is a great way to deal with your insecurities, especially ones you can’t change. But for the insecurities you can change, acceptance has its limits.

Limitations Of Acceptance

Modern society and it’s army of armchair psychologists promotes acceptance of yourself as you are, and loving yourself as you are. And accepting yourself is a good thing, except when you’re not getting the results you want.

Mainstream dating advice will tell you not to worry about being overweight. If you just accept yourself, eventually you’ll find a girlfriend who loves you for you.

Except that’s not how it works. The reality is, you’re going to significantly increase the probability of getting a girlfriend by getting in shape. And your insecurity is telling you this. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s a good thing to be able to recognized reality and when you have a problem.

Your insecurity is nature telling you to go out and compete, to go out and get the resources you need like food, money, women – and that’s a good thing. If you don’t have money to pay rent, and have no women in your life, and are physically unhealthy and unkempt – this is a bad thing. These are problems that need to be solved.

The truth is, a good part of life is competition. Competition for resources, for women, for status, for clients – there is not an area of life that isn’t touched by competition. And when you’re not doing well, that voice of insecurity is not your enemy, it’s your friend. It’s telling you: look we need to get out there and get whats ours.

Fuck acceptance when you’re getting your ass handed to you in the game of life. Compete until that pain point is solved. Compete until you’re secure. Compete until your body is terrific, compete until you have the girls you want, compete until you have more money then you know what to do with – until the problem is solved.

4) Solution

The solution method for handling your insecurities, means solving the problem. It’s my favorite method for dealing with every problem you have that’s within your control. From money to fitness to women to style to lifestyle – the solution based approach is the best approach.

Applied across your life, this means maxing yourself out in your wealth, health, relationships and lifestyle. In fact, maxing yourself out is the most logical thing you can do when it comes to enjoying your life.

It really is that simple. Accept things you can’t change, solve the things you can, and never resist or deny reality. Now that’s easier said than done sometimes, but it’s just a matter of consistency. You might have to reframe those vicious thoughts of self hatred 1000 times a day at first, but that’s what it takes.

Troubleshooting

Insecurity As An Insult

Insecurity is a bullshit insult to try to take you down and destroy your modus operandi by someone who feels inferior to you. Usually followed by I feel sorry for you, which is another lie. In reality they want to cause you pain.

Armchair psychologists like to label people who are aggressive problem solvers as insecure.

Confident guy in a sports car? “Must be compensating for having a small dick. He must be really insecure to have to prove his manhood through his car.”

In reality, he’s a guy who worked hard to make a lot of money, and has rewarded himself by buying something that looks beautiful, is fun to drive, and is attractive to women.

In reality, that guy took the problem of being poor and did such a great job of solving it, that he can afford to buy himself fun toys.

The model of the secure man in modern society is the man working the mediocre job who is reasonably happy. Anything more is projection or compensation or insecurity, at least to many people. You’ll find that the best move is to ignore these people.

Getting Comfortable

Being comfortable in life is good, but you never want to get too comfortable. You don’t want to be full and fat all the time. You always want to stay at least a little bit hungry. A little bit of insecurity is good for you. Especially if you catch yourself slipping in some area.

Maybe you’ve put on some weight, or you made less money this month than you did last month, it can be easy to slip into denial. Especially when you’ve been succeeding with a solution oriented approach for a long time.

It’s always a good idea to listen to that voice and solve the problem when it’s small instead of letting it blow up into a big problem.

Adjusting Your Mind To Your Reality

When you start to succeed with a solution based approach, your life can change drastically for the better. You can go from a poor, skinny kid to  a comfortable, fit man in a matter of years. And this is a great thing. But you have to make sure your mind catches up to reality.

If you don’t make sure your mind catches up to your reality, you’ll still feel like a skinny, poor kid no matter how good you look, and how much money you make. In fact, it’s not uncommon for bodybuilders to feel small, when they look in the mirror, the literally don’t see a big guy.

This type of body dysmorphia killed Rich Piana, a massive man, who on a cut down to 280 told his millions of YouTube followers that he felt small and that his body dysmorphia was kicking in. Eventually his heart couldn’t handle the drugs he was taking and he died in his mid-40s. Rich could have had another 30 years on the planet if he’d adjusted to the fact that he was a massive guy, instead of comparing himself to the 300 or so people in the world who were bigger than he was.

The solution oriented response, is the best response to your insecurities, just make sure that when you change your outer reality for the better, that you adjust your inner reality to match it.

Summary

  • Insecurity is a problem you have with yourself
  • Denial, self hatred, acceptance and solution are the ways you deal with the problem
  • Denial and self hatred are bad choices
  • Acceptance is a good choice for things you can’t change
  • A solution is the best choice for things within your control
  • Igore the haters who use insecurity as an insult
  • Never get too comfortable – a little insecurity is not a bad thing
  • Make sure your solutions are reality tested


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4 Comments

  1. z
    October 6, 2017 at 4:32 am

    adjusting your mind can take some time. like if you were a nerd between the age of 14 and 20/25 even if you become sort of a cool guy the nerd identity and ensuing low self-esteem is very hard to remove and you still feel bitter about the frustration of you 16 year old self…it’s hard work.

  2. October 7, 2017 at 8:43 am

    Yep state control/reframes is a skill that’s not going to be learned overnight, it’s hard work, but it’s the most important work you can do, just stay grinding on it as many times as you have to every day.

  3. z
    October 8, 2017 at 3:16 am

    yah, but then every serious result in life is hard work, so nothing to cry about there :)
    what i’m still often struggling with is bridging the gap between *understanding* and *executing* something about myself. Like what you’re talking about in your excellent new video on Carnegie’s book, the mistakes that most ppl make in social interactions. Unfortunately i’ve been guilty of many of these, being passive agressive, negative, value leeching etc. But the thing is though i started to see this quite a long time and it still took years until i could actually rectify it, and sometimes still struggling today – it’s so easy to fall back into the patterns established in your youth/adolescence. Rewiring your mind and behavior is a long, evolutionary process and i’ve found being patient too while being persistent is key.

  4. October 18, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    I agree persistence and vigilance is the key. The other key is making happiness a priority, not as a nice thought, but as a very serious reality. When you do, it comes naturally to stop doing things that poison your consistent happiness.

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