How To Have Healthy Relationships With Women Part 3
In this 3 part series I wanted to tackle something that I feel is so important and something but unfortunately something you don’t read about very often in the men’s self-improvement community: having happy relationships with women. Because that’s what it’s all about guys, what good is learning game and killing yourself to increase your SMV if the women you do get aren’t making you happy?
I know I write a lot on how to getting women and fucking women but what good is that if you aren’t having healthy and balanced relationships? I write a lot about that stuff because it sells but I want to make sure you’re using game and sex to have happy relationships with women not so you can joylessly pump and dump your way through life.
In part 1 of this series I covered how to process your pain and what not to do in order to have healthy relationships with women. This is because I know that many of you guys are coming from a negative place. A place where you’ve been hurt by women before. And that’s OK, I’ve been there too. As long as you process your pain I promise you it gets better.
With the groundwork of pain management and what not do laid in part 1, in part 2 I break down what you need to do. And in part 3 we’re going to continue from where we left off below. If you haven’t read parts 1 and 2 I strongly suggest you do before you read on.
What You Need To Do (Continued)
6) Understand The Nature Of Relationships
Nothing lasts forever and all relationships are transactional, temporary and conditional.
Read that sentence again until it sinks in. This idea of “the one” sent to you by the universe is nothing more than post-modern media propaganda. Our culture has chosen to deify relationships and celebrities because we no longer have a religion that we’re allowed to believe in.
Laboring under this delusion of a dream relationship will only hurt you in the long run. The romance porn that Hollywood produces is more damaging to our collective psyche then all the interracial gangbang cuckold compilations put together. The average person is chasing a dream relationship that doesn’t, has not and will never exist.
It’s no coincidence that people who post inspirational quotes on Facebook and tell you to follow your dreams are not successful in the real world, because they don’t live in the real world. They live in their dreams and that’s the only place they’re successful.
The perfect girl sent to you by the universe. Your one and only who’s going to take your pain away, who’s going to give you that pure love, that consistent happiness and maybe even a beautiful happy family. That girl does not exist.
You’re just fucking around with these “sluts” for now you tell yourself. But eventually you’ll get serious and settle down and be a responsible, monogamous member of the community. I don’t care how much of a jaded player you are, that dream is still there.
In the real world though, after the honeymoon and the happily ever after and the two beautiful kids you will settle into a low-sex, comfortable partnership and start thinking about other women. In fact the thought of fucking other women never goes away. And the longer you can’t have other women the more you think about them.
Many times once the euphoria of pairbonding wears off you start to see flaws in your perfect angel and vice versa. You start fighting. You were expecting things to be different. You must have been tricked – she’s not the one for you, in fact the bitch is no good at all you tell yourself.
But you don’t give up on the dream, no matter how many times you come face to face with reality, you give up on your partner. You find faults, breakup and try it again with someone else. Some otherwise successful guys get married four or five times because they give up on the person but not the dream, they carry this dream with them through their whole life – “I guess I’m just a romantic at heart they say.”
Now that’s not to say there aren’t people happy in long-term relationships. Some non-dramatic, calm, naturally happy people have, long sometimes even happy lifetime marriages. But it’s not like it is in the movies. That ecstatic love and energy of a new relationship lasts three to seven months tops.
Happily married couples are naturally happy, self – sacrificing people who accept marriage for what it is: a low-sex, comfortable partnership based for the purpose of raising a family. They accept that honeymoon’s don’t last forever and restrain their instincts to fuck other people out of either guilt or not being able to attract anyone they want.
The truth is that a lifetime marriage is not what you think it is. For the 50% of couples that stay together the consistently happy ones are a rare breed. In many cases when people stay together for a long period of time it’s not about happiness – it’s about avoiding pain. Avoiding dying alone, disappointing their families, hurting their children, poverty, social stigma or any number of things.
You are a human animal and our happiness is not nature’s primary concern. Instead nature has designed you for the purpose of survival and replication. That means getting as many decent looking young women pregnant as possible and pair bonding with the more attractive few over a period of one to three years for the purpose of raising children.
Nature knows nothing about lifetime marriages or monogamy – that is a human idea designed for the business of creating a productive family and sustaining the species. That’s why humans had to design laws and vows and punishments to keep people together. Some societies take this to the extreme and stone cheaters to death…but guess what?
People still fucking cheat!!
The truth is that there is no perfect relationship or perfect person that is going to make you happy every day, you have to do that yourself. Once the honeymoon is over you’ll revert back to your natural instincts of wanting to fuck every hot girl you see. This is your biology.
That might sound rough but at first but the good news is, in 2016 you are living in the absolute best time for dating women in history. You don’t have to get married to have sex and there are more single women available than ever before. From day game, to social circle to online your options are unlimited.
From casual sex to polyamory to monogamy you have more relationship choices than ever before. And when it’s not making you happy any more it’s over, it’s so simple.
When you accept reality you will be able to enjoy the relationships that you have for what they are, right now instead of waiting for things to change. When you manage your expectations you stop being disappointed or yearning for something that doesn’t exist. Instead you live in the moment and enjoy what you have.
7) Take Complete Ownership Of Your Relationships
You are the leader in your relationships and that means everything that happens in your relationship is your fault – good or bad. If you got raped in your divorce it’s your fault for putting yourself in that situation. If your girlfriend cheated on you it’s your fault for choosing the wrong girl or for choosing monogamy itself. If your girlfriend emasculates you in public it’s your fault for not having handled that behavior a long time ago.
Most people don’t take ownership, instead they blame the woman and paint themselves as victims. This is very easy to do because in many cases you might have been the victim. If you got taken to the cleaners in your divorce, I feel for you, but the reality is you put yourself in that position knowing the risks.
The truth is what happened doesn’t matter, it’s how you handle it that does. I never accept the role of victim, because by being a victim you accept your powerlessness over a situation. I only accept the role of victor.
When you take ownership you take control, and when you take control you don’t you don’t allow yourself to be a victim of circumstances. When you take control you recognize that there is always a choice.
Even if you don’t like the choice you always have the power to choose – victims are doomed to repeat their mistakes because they don’t accept ownership. When you take control you learn from your mistakes and you don’t repeat them in your next relationships.
When I let myself get friendzoned that was my fault. When I let myself get sold on a bait and switch that was my fault. Instead of getting hung up on that shit I just charged it to the game, learned from my mistakes and made sure not to repeat them. The result – easy, happy relationships.
Nowadays I know from 30 seconds of talking to a girl if she is my type and my standards for behavior are so clear it makes for a completely non-dramatic lifestyle. I haven’t had an ounce of anything more than minor girl drama in the last two years despite dating multiple women. All of that comes from taking ownership of past mistakes and adjusting accordingly.
8) Understand And Indulge Your Emotional Needs
Every guy is painfully aware of his sexual needs but most of us aren’t aware of our intimacy needs. Intimacy is as important as sex and respecting your emotional needs does not make you a faggot, it makes you an integrated, mature human being.
Do you know how often you need to cuddle and bond with a woman to feel happy? I like to be able to cuddle with a woman once a week but for some of you guys it might be more often. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a woman’s affection in your life.
Too often though we pick the wrong guys to model in relationships. James Bond might be a great guy to model on style and charm but as a whole he’s a broken, anhedonic, alcoholic whose job is the only thing keeping him from suicide. Trying to imitate him in relationships with women is a really good way to be miserable.
Remember the end game is to be as consistently happy as possible. And for normal human beings that involves a certain amount of emotional and physical intimacy. For guys like me it’s only a few hours a week but for you it might be longer, especially if you’re going through a difficult time.
Cuddling and being sweet with a girl is great and natural and one of life’s beautiful things so don’t hesitate to make sure you’re getting your needs met. This doesn’t make you a pussy – just as long as you’re not the little spoon. Behind closed doors every guy has sweet, tender moments with a girl he cares about no matter what he tells you.
9) Apologize When You’re Wrong And Accept Her Apologies
This is the hardest one for me because I have a lot of pride and hate apologizing. That’s why I make a point of not doing things I have to apologize for. These days I usually dissolved the situation in a reasonable way before I lose my temper but in the past I’ve been guilty of getting angry or sending a nasty message.
A good way to avoid doing something you’ll later regret is to try and take a deep breath and ask yourself if you’re in the wrong. This goes for any nasty text message or email you’re going to send. I’m telling you, nothing can be gained from losing your cool. On the rare occasion you need to be harsh with her you do it under control.
In almost all cases, whether business or personal you want to be the adult and act like the reasonable man – even when she legitimately deserves a nasty message, it’s bad form when it comes to your game, a true player is always in control of his emotions.
The way to apologize is quickly and firmly: “I’m sorry, I was wrong to treat you like that”. That’s usually enough, most women forgive very easily when your apology is sincere and they care about you. If you’re like me and you hate having to apologize then just make sure you don’t do things you need to apologize for. I haven’t needed to apologize for anything I’ve done in the last year.
The reason why an apology is important when you do something wrong is simple, it makes both of you happier. You stop feeling guilty and she stops feeling angry.
The same goes for accepting her apologies. When she does minor things you don’t like, you correct her and she apologizes – everything’s good. No girl is going to be perfect 100% of the time and there is no point getting upset over minor things.
I think it’s important to apologize even years later when the relationship is long over. It all comes down to trying to live by your ethical code. And having an ethical code is a crucial part of being consistently happy.
One thing to remember here though is that she doesn’t owe you forgiveness. If she doesn’t respond to your apology, writing her a nasty email about how she owes you the courtesy of a response is missing the point. And if your relationship is long over, she won’t respond or forgive you, women are only forgiving when they love you. When they don’t they’re spiteful and proud – women naturally assume the victim role and rarely take ownership.
One thing to note about apologizing is that it’s a good barometer of the health of your relationship. If you can apologize easily, freely and without resentment then you’re in a healthy relationship. If you can’t – you’re in a toxic relationship.
If you’re been living with a woman for the last decade 24/7 and have a long history of arguments, a real apology is going be almost impossible for you. In a toxic relationship not only are you going to be doing things you regret often but you’re not even going to want to apologize because there will be so much low-level bitterness between you and your woman.
One reason it’s so easy for me not to do things I regret now is because I screen properly and limit my time with women. When you’ve screened for happy, stable girls that you see 1 to 3 times a week it’s very easy to avoid getting upset. And if you do it’s easy to apologize.
Like I said before this shit is easy, a good relationship is happy, natural and not hard work.
10) Liberate Yourself From Your Mother
Your relationship with your mother is the benchmark of all your future relationships. How you were treated as a kid and how you related to your mother is how you’ll relate to all the women in your life.
If your mother abused you then you might find yourself seeking out women who treat you badly or inversely seeking out women to abuse as revenge. If your mother was a damaged, borderline nutcase then you might find yourself trying to save damaged, borderline nutcases.
The way you were treated as a child is your imprint for love in all future relationships. In part 1 of this series, when I tell you to avoid girls who like “dark triad” or “asshole” game, this is because these girls are literally looking for the same abusive relationship they had as a child. And that means you have to become an abuser to win her love because she feels so worthless she literally cannot accept a guy treating her well.
Unfortunately many people come from unhappy childhoods and spend their lives subconsciously seeking out the same treatment because they’re running on bad programming. Consciously seeking happiness is a radical thing to do.
To liberate yourself from your mother and your poor programming the first thing you need to do is understand how you were programmed.
What kind of person was your mother?
What was expected of you?
What were you trained to feel guilty about?
What were you praised for?
For those of you who came from abusive childhoods like I did this won’t be easy and I would venture to bet that that’s most of you reading this right now. Most people who are coming from a happy place don’t seek out hardcore self-improvement sites like mine because they’re already happy in their lives.
For those of you guys who came from happy childhoods and happy relationships with your mom then you won’t have much work to do. But if your childhood was rough and your relationship with your mom isn’t good then you’ve got a lot of reprogramming to do.
The first step is to recognize the patterns that are hurting you, some examples are:
- All your sexual thoughts are dirty and sinful
- Good boys put their women on a pedestal and cater to their every whim
- It’s ok to accept verbal and maybe even physical abuse from the women in your lives
- Guilt is an acceptable tool for manipulating you to do things you don’t want to do
- Her neediness is an acceptable reason for sacrificing your happiness
- You’re inherently unworthy of an attractive woman and will only be able to keep her love by buying it
- Passive aggressive behavior is acceptable behavior for a grown man
- Drama is exciting because it validates your power over her emotions and shows that she cares enough to get upset (you know who I’m talking to here)
I could go on forever with these patterns but you get the idea. At the end of the day you’ll be able to recognize a toxic pattern by the fact that it makes you unhappy. This is by far the most difficult section to put into practice but freeing yourself from your mother’s expectations is so important.
If you can’t liberate yourself from your mother you’ll never be able to have relationships with women on your terms. The good thing is your brain is plastic and it can reprogram itself with the right, healthy information. This can be done, I’ve done it and so can you. When you do you get to enjoy happy relationships on your own terms.
10) Have Mercy On The Good Ones
When you meet that sweet, innocent girl who blushes and looks at her shoes when she talks to you – don’t be the first guy to break her heart. Here in Thailand there are plenty of girls who get more cock then a urinal but you also meet some incredibly, naïve, sheltered and completely guileless women.
When you meet a woman like this, whose only experience with men is her celebrity crush – have mercy. She doesn’t need a cold-blooded player like you in her life. The only time you should pursue one of these girls is if you think she has girlfriend potential.
I can tell in 30 seconds if the girl I’m talking to will have girlfriend potential or not and at least 70% of that is based on how pretty she is. If you’re dealing with a sweet girl who is just kind of cute, it’s not right to fuck her a few times and move on to the next one.
Now it’s true that if she enters into the relationship voluntarily and you don’t promise her anything you’re not technically in the wrong. And it’s true that her expectations of immediate monogamy and a boyfriend who loves her forever are unrealistic – but that doesn’t mean you won’t feel bad about hurting someone so innocent.
Save your game for girls who can play on your level or if you know you would consider being serious with her. This also extends to not cheating, if you can’t keep it in your pants then monogamy is not for you. I’ve cheated a few times and it doesn’t feel good.
If you’ve screened for a nice, sweet girl for a girlfriend, as you should have, she doesn’t deserve to be cheated on. Save your bad behavior for the people who fuck with you, not the people who treat you well.
11) Enjoy Her
This is what it’s all about, enjoying her company. All the other points in this series are just to get you to this place where you can be consistently happy every time you see each other.
Once you’ve protected your downside, put the odds in your favor and have the right relationship for you then enjoying her is easy. People say a marriage is hard work, and I’m sure it is, because both people are consistently doing things they don’t want to.
When you do what you want, when you want and see who you want, it’s easy. My best memories of the last fifteen years are almost all with women. From staying in bed all day having sex and eating ice cream to motorbike tours through the mountains of Thailand, I live for those moments – enjoyment is what it’s all about.
This means if you find a girl you like and you’ve followed the rules, don’t be afraid to enjoy yourself. Take her to the movies or dinner or spend all day in bed cuddling. Have slow sex for hours, tickle her when she tells you not too, feed her ice cream while she wraps herself up in you on the couch. This is what it’s all about.
Some of you guys would be shocked at how sweet and affectionate I am with girls. In the real world this does not make you a pussy or beta. You are not going to lose her by being sweet, in fact it’s just the opposite. When you combine affection with your natural dominance, leadership and masculinity you become her perfect man.
One thing that makes it really easy to enjoy women, and it’s so simple, is to only see your women when you’re feeling good. If I’m in a bad mood I know I need to stay home and recharge my batteries as opposed to taking some girl out for dinner. Instead I see girls when I’m in a good, high energy mood – then everyone’s happy. Obligation is the enemy of enjoyment.
You’ll know when you’re in a good relationship when it takes no effort at all.
Enjoying her is what it’s all about.
I know there is a lot to digest in this series but it’s really important for you to put this stuff into practice especially if you’re serious about having women in your life. I know of no other area in life that makes guys more consistently unhappy then women – except maybe family.
That’s why getting this stuff handled is so crucial, for some guys it’s a matter of life and death. In the pages of history many lives have been lost over relationships gone wrong. Just because they come in cute little packages doesn’t make them any less dangerous. Love is a drug and one of the strongest drugs on the planet and that the more you like a girl, the worse your game will be.
Instead of getting caught up in toxic relationships you need to choose your women wisely. That means screen hard and cut the ones who don’t deserve a place in your life. Despite how it might seem at the time, there is no woman you can’t live without.
At the end of the day if she’s not making you happy then it’s not worth it. It sounds so obvious yet many people go their whole lives pursuing relationships and reenacting patterns that make them unhappy – don’t let yourself be one of these people.
It doesn’t matter what she thinks or what your parents think or even what society thinks.
All that matters is what what you think.
Our time on this planet is too short for toxic or stifling relationships.
Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are your natural born rights.
So get out there, meet some great women and be happy :)
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