How To Have Healthy Relationships With Women Part 2
When it comes to dating, especially in the red pill community, many times we mistake the means for the end. Getting women, the thrill of the chase, running game – all this stuff is fun and important but these things are the means not the end. The end game with women, like everything else in life can be distilled down to one thing: happiness.
If you aren’t having consistently happy relationships with women – you’re doing it wrong. Unfortunately dating doesn’t come with a handbook or at least not an effective one. I have a 40 page manual on how to work my air conditioner but when it comes to the most important relationships in my life I’ve had to go by trial and error – and I’ve made a lot of errors.
The problem is mainstream dating advice like bringing a girl flowers and friendzoning your way into her pants doesn’t work. And red pill dating advice, although more effective, often results in a Pyrrhic victory where you finally get the women you want but leaves you feeling unhappy and unfulfilled.
The truth is to be consistently happy you need a real world, results-based set of rules and that’s what I’ve tried to put together in this series. The rules I’ve outlined are simple, the hard part is following them consistently.When you do though, they’ll take the quality of your relationships with women to a place you didn’t know existed. A place with no drama, no obligations and no bullshit.
In part one of this three-part series I covered the painful experiences I’ve had with women, how to process that pain and what not to do. Acknowledging your pain and learning what not to do is a big part of the process. In this article, I’m going to break down for you the things you need to do to have high quality, healthy relationships continuing from where we left off in part 1.
How To Have Healthy Relationships
7) Balance Combat With Cooperation
That means use only as much game as necessary and no more. When you first start learning game it’s easy to slip into the trap of abusing your new-found superpower but that’s not the path to happiness. I can promise you that intentionally hurting women will not make you feel good about yourself in the long run.
Outside of a few cheap thrills it quickly becomes a game of constant combat and diminishing returns. Not to mention: overgaming girls causes drama, jealousy and all kinds of other negative things you don’t need in your relationships.
On the other hand if you’re only looking to cooperate and the idea of combat troubles your inner nice guy than you need to accept the reality that you get the behavior you allow. And if you allow her to treat you badly she is not going to respect you and neither of you will be happy.
Refusing to accept the place of combat in a relationship is like saying you want a multimillion dollar business without having to discipline employees or ruthlessly watch the bottom line because those things make you uncomfortable.
The reality is that all relationships are a balance between combat and cooperation and the key is maintaining that balance by using only as much combat as necessary.
As a man, you set the tone for the relationship and if your tone is combative then she’s going to respond the same way and no one will be happy. Women by nature are emotional and the more games you play with her the more emotional she’ll get with you – that means more drama.
Contrary to what you read on the internet from guys with limited real world experience – you do not need to create drama to keep women. When I’m with a woman I don’t use jealousy plotlines, play text games, neg her or use any other negative tactics.
“Asshole game” or “dark triad game” is not only unnecessary it’s counterproductive. Only damaged women respond well to being treated badly and you shouldn’t want anything to do with them. Teasing is one thing but fucking with her emotions is another thing completely.
Instead you should manage your negative emotions, treat her well, fuck her well, take an interest in her life and gently correct her when she does something you don’t like. When you do this her time with you will be the high point of her week. Just the threat, used sparingly, of removing yourself from her life is enough to keep her interest and on her toes.
Now if despite screening for an emotionally healthy woman you realize that the girl you’re with can’t accept being treated well and she gives you too much drama – you just next her. Or maybe it’s not outright drama even if she’s just consistently bringing a negative attitude to the table that’s enough.
At the end of the day negative behavior or drama means she doesn’t value the relationship enough to try to make you happy. If I see a lot of value in a relationship I will make it a top priority to keep that person happy whether it comes to dating, business or any other part of my life and I expect the same in return.
The challenge of life is hard enough without adding a difficult and demanding girl into the mix. I want things that are easy. That’s why I only date women that are easy to be with. If I want to be challenged I’d work on my business.
In summary, keeping the right balance of combat and cooperation is very easy to measure: if both of you are happy every time you see each other then you’re doing well, if you’re not then it’s your job to either reestablish the balance or end the relationship. It’s really that easy. It’s so easy I can barely remember what it was like to have a dramatic relationship.
8) Be Authentic In Your Intentions And Needs
If you just want sex, don’t lie to the poor girl and tell her you want a relationship. Not only will she feel bad but so will you. It’s very hard to feel good about yourself when you look back through your dating history and see nothing but a trail of charred wreckage.
If you plan on dating a lot of women in your life that means you’re going to have to end things with a lot of women and how you end things is as important as they start. You want to be as ethical as you can from start to finish, just like you if you were bringing on a new client to your business.
The majority of relationship drama comes from people either lying to each other or having the wrong expectations. When you’re authentic in your intentions you don’t have to worry about any of that. Instead you get to enjoy her with a clear conscience.
Now I’m not saying you have to explicitly blurt out a diatribe on non-monogamy on the first date. But if she asks you what you’re looking for or she makes a point early on of telling you that she’s only looking for a boyfriend then you should be able to state your intentions.
If a woman aggressively tells me that they want a boyfriend right off the bat I’ll tell them I’m not the guy. Not only will she respect your honesty but many times she will accept your frame and decide to date you for now while she waits for “her prince.”
If she doesn’t accept your agenda, no problem, you don’t have to waste time with a girl who is incompatible with you. Usually though, women won’t be that aggressive with their agenda up front so that they don’t scare you off. It usually plays out more gradually as you get to know each other.
For those of you guys thinking that if she’s hot you can just lie to her to get in her pants – you can. But, you need to think about the situation from the perspective of your long-term happiness. Lying and cheating won’t make you feel happy, it will make you feel guilty.
Your conscience monitors everything you do whether you like it or not, whether it’s conscious or not. When the balance of bad things outweighs the balance of good things the end result is self-hatred.
Do you think that guys who defraud their clients in business and beat their wives feel good about themselves, even if they get away with it? They don’t, most of them need drugs or alcohol just to get through the day.
If you’re young and new to dating you might feel OK or even good about scamming girls for a while because the pain you’ve experienced from women has made you dehumanize them as a whole. You think the innocent girl you just met is no different from the women who’ve hurt you in the past.
As you get successful with women you assume the identity of a guy who has power over them instead of a loser who gets played, between the two that identity feels a lot better. But as time goes on you really become that player and when you look back over what you’ve done, you won’t like it.
Instead you’ll realize you’ve just traded one negative identity, being a loser with women, for another, being a scumbag to women. When you’re authentic in your intentions you won’t have those problems. Your authenticity is your best defense against both your conscience and against her manipulations of you.
As authentic as you are in your intentions you shouldn’t expect the same from her. Most women over 24 are looking for a guy to marry her, support her financially and emotionally, escort her to parties, see her family often and a number of other things ideally for a lifetime or until she decides on a YOLO divorce.
But she’s not going tell you this up front, she will do it gradually and use shame and guilt as leverage to get the things she wants. It’s true not all women are like that but many are – shame and guilt are the persuasive tools they learned from their mothers.
When you’re authentic in your intentions it’s a different ballgame. If she tries to shame you or get angry when things don’t go her way it won’t affect you because you stated your intentions honestly and she accepted the conditions voluntarily.
By stating your intentions clearly it means every girl will have made a voluntary choice to be with you and if you don’t marry her, don’t see her family enough, don’t meet her excessive emotional needs then she only has herself to blame (although she’ll still blame you.)
For me, being authentic in my intentions includes not making a vow of lifetime monogamy based on what I feel at the moment. As a guy with a high sex drive I can’t and wouldn’t want to keep this vow and feel no guilt about it. I feel no guilt in seeing multiple women or seeing women on my schedule because this is what I need to be happy. If she doesn’t like my conditions she can find someone else.
9) Have Your Own Life
Having time for yourself is so important. For those of us born without a silver spoon in our mouths we have to work damn hard to get ahead in life and that means that we need time to unwind.For me I need at least four days and nights to myself a week. I work hard on my mission every day and many nights I just want to stay home and read a book before I pass out.
At this point in my life it’s impossible for me to have healthy relationships with women if we live together. Maybe as I get older and have a mansion in a tropical locale and less working hours it might possible but not now. Living with a woman, at least for me is the absolute fastest way to make a happy relationship unhappy.
There are two major problems I have with living with women, lack of personal space and codependency. Most women want much more togetherness than I’m capable of. In the past this had a massive effect on my baseline level of happiness and left me in a state of constant aggravation.
For the entire time I lived with my girlfriend I never felt like I could fully recharge my batteries. It got to the point where I was thrilled when she went out with her friends so I could have some time alone, it was like living with my mom again.
It’s very important for you to know exactly how much space you need and act accordingly. Even if you live with your woman you need to maintain separate lives. A codependent relationship is the quickest way of ruining the spark of attraction between you and her.
As a man on a mission you’ll grow to resent any woman who is constantly trying to pull you away from your purpose, especially to sit on the couch and watch some dumbass movie together. If you’re considering a serious relationship with a woman this is an area where you need to screen very hard for someone who is independent.
You need to know how much energy you can invest and still maintain a happy relationship, because it does take effort. Any more than two nights a week and I feel I’m taking too much time away from my mission or from recharging my batteries.
When I was younger and less focused on work I could do about four nights a week, the key is knowing what you’re capable of. Ideally though, you want to give yourself enough time to miss each other and keep things fresh and exciting.
I’ve had polyamorous relationships that have lasted years where we had great sex and a lot of fun because I restricted seeing the girl to once a week. This might sound a bit cruel but it really does benefit both of you because it stretches out the honeymoon phase.
It’s very hard to get frustrated with someone you only see for a few hours a week. You don’t have to be that restrictive but you do need to lead separate lives.
10) Choose The Right Relationship For You
There are three types of relationships: casual, polyamorous and monogamous and no matter what the so-called experts tell you, no one type of relationship is healthier than the other. Despite the fact that 50% of monogamous relationships end in heart wrenching and soul crushing divorce; the media, the church and the average armchair psychologist will tell you that anything besides monogamy is either juvenile, sinful or emotionally destructive.
In most cases the opposite is true. I’ve never heard of anyone killing themselves because their fuckbuddy stopped returning their texts but you could fill a football field with the suicides of guys whose wife left them.
Monogamy is not always the best option and this is especially true if you’re a high sex drive, strong-willed guy. I see this with a lot of players who get tired of playing the field and decide to do the “mature” thing and settle down with a “good” girl only to end up cheating on her two years into the relationship – myself included.
Non-monogamy is not just something you tell hippy girls to get an easy lay, it’s a lifestyle. It’s hard for me to imagine a situation at this point in my life where I would promise unconditional monogamy to one woman.
Think about if you met a great guy friend, and he’s a red pill guy like you, and he’s committed to his mission and he’s an independent thinker and you want to hang out with this guy a lot. Could you imagine telling the guy that if he’s serious about your friendship that he can only be friends with you, because it hurts you to see him be friends with other people?
Think how selfish and needy that is, yet that’s exactly what millions of people do every year. And to make things worse they make a lifetime promise to maintain those feelings. To me the 50% divorce rate isn’t shocking, what’s shocking is the couples that actually stay together.
I’m not going to sell you one way or the other on monogamy, the point is you need to choose the right relationship for you. And the type of relationship you need now might not be what you needed five years ago, it all depends on what your situation in life is.
With that said there are many people in happy long-term relationships so it really comes down to being able to analyze each type of relationship and see what’s best for you.
Here’s how they break down:
1) Casual Sex
- Has the lowest downside of all relationships
- Casual sex in moderation is great for young guys going wild, guys with low affection needs, guys with little free time or guys just getting out of a relationship
- You also have the option of blending casual sex with polyamory and getting your affection needs met from one girl and your sexual needs from others
- Quickly becomes an empty lifestyle
- Society doesn’t approve
- Not having to sacrifice your sexual freedom
- Able to bond as strongly as with monogamy
- Less emotional pain on breakup because your needs are consistently being met by other women
- This is by far my favorite option because my freedom is such a high priority for me and I have almost no jealousy
- You have to accept that she’ll be with other men or women
- Not approved by society
- You will lose good women, eventually she will give you an ultimatum to either upgrade or lose her
- Lets you keep good women (who will eventually leave polyamorous relationships)
- The best kind of relationship for raising children
- Approved by society
- Ability to feel strong love and pair bonding
- Lack of sexual freedom
- Painful breakups
- Tendency towards codependency
- Expectations of restricted physical freedom (being home for dinner, visiting her parents)
- Expectations of marriage and joint asset sharing – dangerous financial agreements
At the end of the day I can’t make the decision for you and what’s good for me might not be good for you. Also what’s good for you now might not be what’s good for you 10 years from now.
The key is that you have to make logical decisions about this stuff which is not always easy, especially once you get feelings for a girl. If you’re not capable of monogamy, and have cheated in all your relationships then don’t promise it. If sexual freedom isn’t a priority and you’re a jealous guy then monogamy might be your best option.
The important things to consider are how much time and energy you have for women, how important having multiple women is to you, how emotionally durable you are right now and how long you plan on living in one place at a time.
11) Accept Her For Who She Is
This means you need to see and accept women for what they really are, not for what you want them to be.The truth is that your sweet little flower who is “not like the rest” has had a bunch of dicks in her before you. Some of them may have even fucked her in the ass – and guess what? She might have liked it.
On the other hand, despite what some red pill guys will tell you, some women have almost no interest in kinky sex and prefer a sensual, loving, pairbonding experience.Either way the point is to see the woman you’re dealing with as opposed to what you’re projecting in your mind or what you read on the internet.
Most guys who get into the dating community start off believing women are virginal Madonnas like mom taught them. But once they see the other side they start to think that every girl is stepping out on her boyfriend into a dark alley to take a load on the face by some peacocked-out PUA because he said the right opinion opener.
The truth is some women never cheat and some women cheat consistently. At the end of the day that has more to do with her then it does with you. Thinking that if your game is good enough then that promiscuous girl won’t cheat is dead wrong. That’s why screening is so important, especially for monogamy.
You can change some of her behaviors and how she relates to you in a relationship but you are not going to be able to change her core being, changing yourself is hard enough let alone someone else. Your only choice is to either accept her for the person she is or a find a girl who gives you what you want.
The techniques outlined in this article are basic but I promise you the results aren’t. When you get your shit together you’re not going to believe how easy things can be. You’ll look around at other people’s relationships and not even be able to comprehend the way they treat each other.
When you put everything together you get balanced, authentic, positive, healthy, voluntary relationships. When you don’t you get toxic relationships based on lying, drama and using guilt and shame as a means of obligating the other person.
Check out part three here for the final installment of this series.
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